A Guy's Heartache

Sometimes in life,you will not always get what you want,what you want might be possible to acquire but is it right for you to have it is just another question in hand.Is it right to follow your heart and just go after that dream of yours,to follow your selfishness or is it right to think rationally and to abandon whatever dream you have in mind just for the better.I would not know because I had not experience such a situation in my life before.Is is that hard to let go?Is it that difficult to put my selfishness aside just for the better for you and me?I do not know.Is it?

I always dreamed of being a runner..oh how I ran,how i impress people with my speed,how people voice out their praises to me,dreamed of being like me.Its just a dream anyway.My friends could run.Yes they could.They are even smart,they lead clubs,organisations and prefectorial board.Yes,yes these was what I always wanted.Till now.It started last Thursday when I went out with four of friends to watch a movie.They have capabilities that I will not deny and oh how I wanted them too.But on that day,I had so much fun laughing,talking,crapping up stupid jokes together with them and I realised that capabilities do not matter as how much I wanted to be with them everyday of my life.Just talking with them makes me happy.Happiness I realised was what I lacked in my life.It doesn't matter if they are talented or capable anymore,I like them for who they are,they are my friends and I know it.I do not mind if they hate me in their hearts because I know I do not hate them but I actually like them being around me.What matters is they treat me well,they treat me as a friend of their own,they make me feel special about myself even though I am not.After 4 years,..so very long for me to realise that it is important to spend time with them,to go out,to fool around,to play sports together but now there is only 1 year left to go.I would very much like to share my time with them for this very last year and I really really hope that they feel the same way too.

Equal Happiness

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can yo...u say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"-Marley&Me-Josh Grogan

I just finished watching Marley&Me today,though its a 2008 movie,it doesn't matter because what I've learnt from this movie is so much more worth it than the due date.To the people who have not watch this movie,you better watch it because its just a great movie about the life and love of a family and a wonderful and a wonderful and loyal dog name Marley.You see Marley its just like any other dog,it may not be special,smart or perfect to people but to its owner it is certainly one of a kind.It is the same for those who own dogs,we will always treat our dogs as a special and great dog.It doesnt matter if its cute or not,what matters is that if you care for it,it will do the same to you.That is how i feel about my dog and that is how I am going to keep it forever.Although its just a stray dog,but I certainly do not mind because I love her and she loves me too.That is what matters in life.How useless am I in life,I do not feel like this around my dog because she makes me feel special,extraodinary and loved.How many people can really do this for you?Friends?Its just so rare and uncomfortable at times.Dogs are not just a pretty face where you adore them when their puppies and dump them when they are old.They are just like any other humans and surprisingly they are even better than some.They can be understanding although they can't talk.When your sad or down,they will just look up at you with their hopeful eyes and tell us that everything is ok.

Marley,The Clearance Puppy

Marley at the beach

Marley messed up the garaj..=)..cute


Marley looking up at the camera..


Marley Big Boy

Liar..

Hey folks,I decided to do 2posts today as I feel very guilty and would certainly like to express my hate towards myself.I know many won't be reading this but what can be done.Its your choice eh,not mine.So i won't be forcing any of you to read this or grumble over this crap cause Im emo.No I wont.OK,I am a liar.So, don believe what Ive written above,Its not true..=P..zz..lame..What I want to say is Ive been lying to myself from the beginning and I do not want to continue lying anymore as it doesnt help anything...2bad.><..I want to be a footballer,a guitarist,a drummer,a pianist,a debater,the top student in Malaysia,know bout cars and cool gadjets after seeing many people doing so.I thought well,I can also be like them if I work and study hard.But it's just a lie.I've tried and tried,practice and practice but no result at all,maybe I should just accept the fact that Im not talented.I always thought that with hard work,I can do anything.Everyone says this but sadly to say its a lie.I want to run like an athlete can.I went jogging every day but it doesnt help.Haiz, I think that every one is born with their own capabilities and if you can't do it means you can't.Its just fate.Am I the only one who is born without any talents?..maybe,I wouldnt know.Its sad,always have to stand around the corner while you watch your friends perform.Watching your friend run a 100m sprint while you sit there like a big fat blob helplessly.Watching your friend on stage performing as a band in front of a wild crowd.That is so cool.Ive always dreamt of being good at something.Anything,jus anything, if only people had given me the chance or the support.Unfortunately,people just care about themselves most of the time.

Back to the old times

Hey,peeps..=)..Im back once again after err 5 months..sry guys..been busy with my pathetic life but now Im back to share with u guys more about my pathetic life.

The past 5 months I have done nothing much except for studying,eating,sleeping,thinking about how miserable my life is as a teenager,spending time with friends,making new enemies and haven't change one bit.I just sat for my 2nd monthly exam and am very disappointed with my grades especially my bio and sj.But theres nothing I can do about it.Whats done is done and unfortunately I have to face the consequences.What I do later on doesn't matter anymore.It cant change my grades.No,it cant but it certainly can change the grades for the next exam that is coming up..=).. yea yea.screw this optimistic crap..but yet nothing matters anymore.Ive failed and I know it.Everyone knows it.No where to hide,no where to run.Just have to suck it up and live with it.

Well,this Tuesday morning,woke up at 6.00am,cleaned up and prepared for school as usual.Nothing great,just another routine in every teen's life eh..Sad as usual tat morning,did my crappy prefects duty moodily and just stood at the garage looking at the students assemble at that chilly morning.zzz..my school's prefects system is stupid like hell..rountine C it is said..and all I have to do is just stand and take care of the teacher's cars like some freaking servant.OK, screw the prefects,dont give a damn bout it.After assembly,entered the class and sat next to my deskmate,with no reason I find it uncomfortable to talk to him..=(..and even worst,he read about me talking bad about him on my blog.Crap,that gotta hurt.I'm hurt too cause I'm the one who made the mistake in posting my anger in my blog.I'm deeply sorry.When he told me,I was embarassed and speechless.Nothing to say at all.But deep down,I know how he feels and I dont blame him for hating me.Everything I do is my fault.Every single thing I try to help or do will turn out disastrous and it is all my fault.All me.Everything me.Do you know how difficult for me to fit in?No,you dont.Do you know how much I want to go back in time and just change my life? Do you know how much I hate myself?..No,no,no no one knows.Even if you hate me now,it doesnt matter cause I already hate myself and that wouldnt affect me one bit.

I just want to go back.Go back in being a baby.Grow normally,live normally,not like what Im doing now.Pathetic!.As I sat in class that very morning and looked around at each and every of my classmates,I thought wow,they can run real fast,they are real atheletes.They can sing so sweetly.They can play the guitar,the drums so well.They have a relationship that they can indulge themselves into.They have a band.They can talk so well and make funny jokes.They play football together like best pals.They know about cars,handphones,bikes.Then,finally I look at myself,what am I?.Im just a failure,a broken toy,a quitter among them.Back to the old days,I was a pianist,I was a swimmer,I was a tennis player,I was an artist..but what am I today. Nothing at all,just a hollow shell filled with pain and misery.What have I turn to?..I no longer care like when Im back in the old times.Im filled with hate,jealousy,anger.I cheat to win and I lie and lie to get what I want.What have I become?.Why is this happening to me?..Nothing matters anymore as what I touch now in the end just turns into sheer dust.

Pain?

Most people resort to pain when they are undergoing stress,depressed or is unhappy about something..they tend to inflict pain on themselves just to feel glad,relieved and good..will it work?? I don't know..how would I?..Maybe I could give it a try...As I sat in tuition class today(Hamdan), I held a blade in my hand,flickering it around..wondering how does it feel to see blood oozing out of the cut made on my hand...how does it feel to experience pain...I took the pen I was writing with and pressed it forcely into my skin..it felt great and painful eventhough its just a pen......if a pen can be that great a feeling,how does a blade feel like then?..I wonder..If your heart feels so heavyhow do we let it out...shout at the top of the mountains,murder someone,sex,suicide,pain...what and how?..I don't know what is hardship,I don't understand love,I don't understand how friendship works..so how can I judge...why must I feel so heavy hearted when I don't understand anything at all..am I retarded and crazy?..or am I just thinking too much like a girl?..

A moody morning...

Woke up at 6.00am..still on the bed laying down..staring at the ceiling thinking...just thinking about how schools gona be...how can I get through another day without humiliating myself or getting in anyone's nerves....It was raining heavily outside and this was indeed a good sight...raining means no assembly,meaning no duty...YES!!..I was so glad that I went back to sleep and cuddle under my blanket..zzz...6.15am my mum woke me up ask to go and wash up...walked up lazily..went to drink a glass of milo then to the toilet where I showered about 15 minutes...the water was so warm and nice...I stayed under the running water the whole time..as I stood relaxing..I thought about my dream I had..bout my friends most of the time,bout the humiliating defeat in debate,bout how people say I act like a faggot..at6.30am came out of the bathroom..not wanting to look at my naked self as I feel disgusted and sick already although exercise so much but seems to have no effect... disappointed..quickly changed into my clothes said a morning prayer and then waited for ivan to come...off the school..Fortunately,it was still raining when we reached school,so assembly would certianly be cancelled for sure...walked straight to class..puvilan,kenny all was sleeping...went to the next class for awhile and chat with ivan and mogana bout stupid prefect,riot,teachers and crap...ntgh muchla damn boring..went back to my own class puvilan,kenny,leong ask why so moodyla,what happened,..kenny as usual look at his faggot face..I buat tak tahu..straight sit and said nothing....I thought how can puvilan be so perfect and I cant...he has a gf,his good in sports,he knows bout cars,football and stuff which I don't know at all,he's goodlooking,humble,kind,smart...how can someone be so perfect?.. how come I cant be like him...I was disappointed and sad..so the entire time I kept quiet..if I talk also people dont get me and sometimes I often offend them..so better remain silent and not talk..better to just enclosed everything within yourself then let people criticise or get offended.. I know there's something wrong with me but I still havent found a perfect person who can help and fix me yet...Im frustrated,confused and angry..not only about this..as Im writting this my father is busy shouting and complaining in the background..Im furious..always come back shout,shout,shout,complain this and that,scold,scold,scold...I just cant take it any longer..someone save me..Help..Pls help

My Friend's Wedding(Yet to be)

Well,all husband-wife relationship ofter starts with a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship...I have some friends who are already a couple as puvilan&stephanie,andrea&jerome,dahrick&some1 unknown,vivian &weisoon and more..but the best couple Ive ever seen so far is puvilan&stephanie of course^^..Let me tell you abit about them..in a relationship,most people often brag about it,telling the whole world I have a girlfriend or boyfriend,I LOVE U on the internet..on the streets and crap alot about Im no longer lonely and shit..but puvilan&stephanie is totally different..they are serious in what they are doing,they understand and aware not to go over the limit and most importantly they still treat their friends with care and likeness...although they maybe a charming couple,they do not showoff and brag about it..and that is what I really like about them..how handsome or beautiful you can be,it doesn't really matter as long as you have people around you to care and love..Im really proud and blessed to have them as my friends seriously because although in a relationship,they still take the effort to care and ask about what my problems are..and I really appreaciate it..I would like to say thank you but I cant seem to get the words out..well this is the best time then..THANK YOU!!..hmmm..now about the wedding..well Im really sure it will work out though..even from different race their parents hopefully would understand..hehe..lets see who'll be the bestman..the candidates are Kenny,long time friend with both Puvilan and Stephanie who lives opposite her house and the next candidate is..errr..unknown and unknown..meaning kenny is the bestman or the bride's maid..his wishla.>< honestly sometimes I really dont get him..he laughs out of the blues then serious then emo then keep calling me faggot,faggot,faggot...hmm..sometimes I really just hate him and it really hurts if someone keep calling you a freaking faggot a whole day..nevertheless,I think I understand enough to forgive him...he is reallly a good,loyal and caring friend although he often curses..what Im trying to say is it is fun being around him and he might not be fun or enjoyable around me because I dont talk much..maybe everyone would find me boring..too badla for me..this is life and its hard to change the way I am after 16 years living like this..I hope the best for my friends and whoever Ive not mentioned..itll be on my next blog...Nitez^^