Sympathy? Really? Do I need that?

          No one is reading my blog. Although I have said numerous times that it doesn't matter, I really do hope someone does. Yea, that's how fickle my brain is. The truth is I love attention, I crave for sympathy even though I'm well aware seeking sympathy is pathetic and makes you weaker in time. You must be wondering why do I still want it?? Do I really need people to tell me that I'm stronger than this, that I'm special, that it'll get better to feel better about myself? I guess so. That's how insecure I feel. Whenever someone says something negative about me, it just tears me apart and instead of taking it and standing back up stronger with my two feet, I choose to wallow in self pity. It happens every time and I'll have to mouthed it out loud to not cry and constantly remind myself that guys don't break down over silly matters but I'll end up crying anyway. I feel like a hypocrite, I say that it doesn't affect me and that I'm fine, but when I'm back home, I'm exactly the opposite.

          One more thing I want you to know is that I feel disgusted with my looks. When I look at myself in the mirror, I think to myself, who would ever like this face, how could I be with someone who is good looking with a face like this. I know that we should always look at what's on the inside of someone and not the physical beauty. But maybe I just have high expectations, someone who is beautiful inside and out. Well,honestly who doesn't want the best of both worlds. When I'm out, I would just look at all the imperfections around me and I wonder to myself do they share the same thoughts as I do. The fact that there's beautiful, average looking and the not good looking people in the world but you end up in the worst category is kind of unfortunate,don't you think. I'm not saying people who are beautiful have the easy way out, they still have to work to survive. I bet some of you must be thinking that I should be appreciative of what I have and not ask for more, only then can we live happily. Honestly,I do,I'm thankful for what I have but is it my fault that my mind keeps thinking about why God would create a person who is not good looking and at the same time has so many personality problems and insecurities. I thought everyone is created equal if you have brains,you might not have beauty and if you have beauty,you might not have the brains but there are some which have both and then there's the minority which have none.

        I just wish things were a little easier you know, at least give me something that I can be proud of, something that I'm good at. Give me a pretty face so that I can be more confident when talking to people or give me a brain to think about useful stuff or passion,bravery or confidence. Look at me now, I sit at home everyday playing games, feeling sorry about myself by writing this blog and not doing anything useful. I'm afraid to go out to look for a job, I feel insecure because I can't speak my mother tongue and I just feel that I don't belong. I'm afraid people would look down on me and judge me,and I honestly hate that. Is it wrong to try to be perfect in the eyes of the people? As naive as that sounds, I want that.

The only solution I have now is to find someone who I can embrace and take the misery away. Someone who loves me for who I am and is willing to help me sort my mind in the right path. I need someone who can support me, to kiss me and make me forget even if it is only for a while. I need that even if it sounds ridiculous to you..

Depression??

     Isn't it weird that I wake up every morning feeling happy and jovial but as the day goes on I just get depressed especially towards the night. I think the reason for this is because of the lack of company, being cooped up in the house whole day alone does make your mind wonder. I think about things like life,future, relationships and how the hell am I going to get through them. Maybe I should talk to someone but who can I call? Although I feel so confused,lost and sad now, I don't think I should burden anyone else with what seems to be a problem to me but not to anyone else. And it isn't fair for them to carry this burden with me but I think the most important thing is that I don't want them to think of me differently. Again,maybe I'm thinking too much but there's truth in what I say, I honestly feel that some of my friends think the same way too. That is why I choose to mask my emotions, to be a quiet,calm and steady figure for the world to see. I guess it's a good practice cause when I enter the working industry soon or later, emotions should never get in the way of your work and in some cases following your emotions is good but rational thinking is always the answer in my opinion.

    Anyways,I still think there's something seriously wrong with me. I know this may sound ridiculous but again, this is how I feel and humans just don't stop feeling. Whenever I see pictures of friends for instance celebrating a birthday party,having a sweet conversation or just having a good time, I just feel sad and depressed but at the same time I'm happy that they're doing fine if that makes any sense. I know it is something stupid to be sad about and I should just let it go but I think the reason for this recurrence is because I've never experienced it before and I really want to, I want to feel what is it like to be surprised for a birthday party or what it feels to have someone genuinely give you a gift or anyone to show me that they really care for me. I once had a birthday party can't really remember when but I think I was 10 years old. I had it at my house, my parents organized all the catering and my brothers planned the games. I know I've mentioned never getting to experience a party before but this is different. Friends came and they brought gifts just as a token of appreciation for inviting them. Sorry if that came out offensive but honestly some of the gifts really shouldn't be given as gifts in the first place. Yes, it's the thought that counts but not what's inside. Seriously at this age, do you think any of my friends gave a thought to genuinely give me a gift, maybe it isn't fair to say all but most only want to have fun. I didn't notice that then but as I grew older I did give it some thought.

    Hence,every year I don't actually look forward in celebrating my birthday. What's the point, I'm 1 year older and not like anyone cares. Facebook friends wish me cause the system notifies them that it's my birthday so they do so just to be nice and friendly. This year I 'celebrated' my 20th birthday, I was in Penang with my parents that weekend and we had to just do it there. So, I had a free buffet dinner together with some doctors and drug reps cause it's suppose to be some convention dinner and my dad decided to turn it into my birthday dinner. On my birthday itself, I practically stayed in the room watching tv and my birthday cake was a cake given by a friend of my dad's which again miraculously became my birthday cake. I understand that it's a little childish to want a surprise party,a proper cake with people you care and who cares about you but everyone is different like my brother he honestly doesn't give a damn about birthdays. I think what hurts the most is that none of my friends bothered to offer me a day out to spend my birthday with them and I think only 3 personally texted me. Then, when I see my friends posting up pics about how they were surprised, I wasn't even called to be part of the surprise but anyway back to the story, I thought that 'well,I wish someday I'll be surprised as well'. =),still hoping I guess but just a glimmer.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few close friends who are really good people, they care for me I guess but I think the way they show it is different from what I expect it to be.

Yes,I admit I have issues and it's not right for me to call out to my friends like that because who knows some of them maybe sincere and genuine in their actions but how am I suppose to know if it's true if you don't consistently show or tell me.

I hide myself from the world because I'm ashamed of myself and yet I expect people to take notice of me, to care. Maybe it isn't fair on your part for me to say so but you just don't go demanding for a surprise party right? I'm not making this about some stupid party, it's just an example. I don't know, I feel horrible now. My mind is now just clouded with random thoughts and my heart feels heavy. Sometimes, I just want it to stop spinning, to close my eyes and never wake up....

Suicide? I admit,the thought has always been there but I'm too weak to do it and I do think there's still reasons to continue living. The problem is how do I get through all these hardships alone, some days I feel so confident and strong but then there are days when I just feel so miserable. I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I'm not sure how long I can cope with this.

A random stranger told me that suicide should not be the first option. I'll try, I promise you this but if all else fails, then I just have to do it...

Ps. I understand that some of the things that I've mentioned mean very little to you, but for someone as insecure,sensitive and one that has few friends and encountering social issues, everything means and signifies something important to me. Just so you know, I'm not trying to blow things out of proportion but in my mind, it seems to be already in pieces.







   

Absolutely Nothing...

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.


Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.” -Stephen Chbosky

A Wallflower perhaps?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". -Charlie

This is certainly one of the books I can really relate to and that is why to me, it's the best book I read so far thanks to Stephen Chbosky. I've watched the movie as well and I think it really did the novel justice. Well, it isn't surprising since it's directed by the writer,Stephen Chbosky himself.
Anyway, this story is about a 16 year old boy named Charlie trying to figure out himself and his place in society. He's shy, quiet and a social misfit but he tries his best not to be lonely. In high school, seniors, Sam played by the ever lovely Emma Watson and Patrick played by Ezra Miller gave Charlie a brand new perspective of life. When I was reading Charlie's thoughts, I felt  how much he cares and loves his friends specifically Sam and Patrick. I feel exactly the same way towards my friends but what's different between me and Charlie is that they don't see it, they don't feel what I'm feeling and they don't understand. Maybe it's just me thinking too much but what Sam says does make complete sense.


“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.”  -Sam

Maybe it's just the culture nowadays, people no longer feel that they should express how they feel about someone. They take for granted that the act of doing something that matters to someone is adequate. Don't get me wrong, your actions do matter but sometimes I think people want to hear the words that allow them to feel that they're wanted,cared for and loved. That they mean something and that they're special in their own ways. I don't know what to think whether they're friends, best friends or not friends at all. Best friends? What do they do? Can someone explain it to me in detail? I thought best friends trust each other and they share things together, and they talk and feel good about one another. I understand that we've known each other for like almost 14 years now but it's amazing that we still barely know each other and yet we're best friends. Does the term best friend apply because you've known me for such a long time and not because you know me better? I find it difficult to believe that we're best friends simply because we don't even contact each other that often anymore after secondary school ended and I feel that I've been left behind. Well,I bet a few or none are reading my posts anyway. I'm just writing it because I feel good after doing it I guess. But if you are reading this, don't get offended k, this is how I feel and I know it does sound kind of stupid,sissy or sensitive for a guy to feel that way but emotions are difficult to control.

“He's a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” 
-Patrick

I'm socially awkward and I try not to be. I try to participate but most of the times it turns out awkward. Whenever I have a one-to-one conversation with any of my friends, I got to admit the atmosphere seems rather uneasy. I guess it's only me then. I'll just end with a passage from the book as I feel it just teaches me so much about life and I would like to share it with everyone reading my blog. Hopefully there is.

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.” 

Mid 2013 and I'm still here

   I know that I have neglected this blog for almost 2 years now because I did not have the heart to write anymore but things change over the years, people change, friends come and go. I believe I did too for the most parts. So, I've finished my A-levels in Taylor's College during these 2 years and I'm now waiting to pursue a career in medicine either in Australia or New Zealand. 6 months have gone by just like that and I have not been doing anything except for a 2 week attachment program with a local hospital here. Apart from that, I have been thinking a lot about my life and future. There are some things you might not understand here because I don't feel comfortable revealing it here. Don't be offended, no one knows except for me. It's a secret that only I know and intend to keep for the rest of my life for now. Anyway, for those who know me, I have always been a shy and quiet guy, I'll add in sensitive too. I actually vowed to start a new life in college and leave all these traits behind but as what people always say, it's difficult to change one's personality and it was for me. The first few months of college, I really tried to be outgoing and participate but then everything that I thought I left behind came rushing back. My self esteem got battered and I just lost myself at times. I know that people expect guys to be all tough,cool and calm but that is not who I am and even how much I try to be, I just do not have the confidence to do so. I'm worried that this would be a hindrance for me when I start my university life and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. It's pathetic to feel so weak and scared all the time that I hate myself so much for feeling that way. The worst part is I am not able to be open about it as I'm not comfortable in sharing with anyone not my family or friends. I don't know for how long I could cope with this alone but a random stranger told me that a distraction would be good and it actually works although it was only momentarily. I don't expect anyone to sympathize and pity me but just try to understand me in person. They say you should always take the first step and do something to change what makes you unhappy. The fact is it is difficult and what if there are things which can't be changed?? It's just that I don't understand why God creates people who are so different from one another, I get it that everyone has their own problems but isn't it unfair that some have to work so much harder or go through so much hardship compared to others? And they say it's fate but I say it's pure bullshit. So, yea. sorry for my ranting but for now I just see dark clouds overlooking a bloody lake...