Mid 2013 and I'm still here

   I know that I have neglected this blog for almost 2 years now because I did not have the heart to write anymore but things change over the years, people change, friends come and go. I believe I did too for the most parts. So, I've finished my A-levels in Taylor's College during these 2 years and I'm now waiting to pursue a career in medicine either in Australia or New Zealand. 6 months have gone by just like that and I have not been doing anything except for a 2 week attachment program with a local hospital here. Apart from that, I have been thinking a lot about my life and future. There are some things you might not understand here because I don't feel comfortable revealing it here. Don't be offended, no one knows except for me. It's a secret that only I know and intend to keep for the rest of my life for now. Anyway, for those who know me, I have always been a shy and quiet guy, I'll add in sensitive too. I actually vowed to start a new life in college and leave all these traits behind but as what people always say, it's difficult to change one's personality and it was for me. The first few months of college, I really tried to be outgoing and participate but then everything that I thought I left behind came rushing back. My self esteem got battered and I just lost myself at times. I know that people expect guys to be all tough,cool and calm but that is not who I am and even how much I try to be, I just do not have the confidence to do so. I'm worried that this would be a hindrance for me when I start my university life and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. It's pathetic to feel so weak and scared all the time that I hate myself so much for feeling that way. The worst part is I am not able to be open about it as I'm not comfortable in sharing with anyone not my family or friends. I don't know for how long I could cope with this alone but a random stranger told me that a distraction would be good and it actually works although it was only momentarily. I don't expect anyone to sympathize and pity me but just try to understand me in person. They say you should always take the first step and do something to change what makes you unhappy. The fact is it is difficult and what if there are things which can't be changed?? It's just that I don't understand why God creates people who are so different from one another, I get it that everyone has their own problems but isn't it unfair that some have to work so much harder or go through so much hardship compared to others? And they say it's fate but I say it's pure bullshit. So, yea. sorry for my ranting but for now I just see dark clouds overlooking a bloody lake...