No one is reading my blog. Although I have said numerous times that it doesn't matter, I really do hope someone does. Yea, that's how fickle my brain is. The truth is I love attention, I crave for sympathy even though I'm well aware seeking sympathy is pathetic and makes you weaker in time. You must be wondering why do I still want it?? Do I really need people to tell me that I'm stronger than this, that I'm special, that it'll get better to feel better about myself? I guess so. That's how insecure I feel. Whenever someone says something negative about me, it just tears me apart and instead of taking it and standing back up stronger with my two feet, I choose to wallow in self pity. It happens every time and I'll have to mouthed it out loud to not cry and constantly remind myself that guys don't break down over silly matters but I'll end up crying anyway. I feel like a hypocrite, I say that it doesn't affect me and that I'm fine, but when I'm back home, I'm exactly the opposite.
One more thing I want you to know is that I feel disgusted with my looks. When I look at myself in the mirror, I think to myself, who would ever like this face, how could I be with someone who is good looking with a face like this. I know that we should always look at what's on the inside of someone and not the physical beauty. But maybe I just have high expectations, someone who is beautiful inside and out. Well,honestly who doesn't want the best of both worlds. When I'm out, I would just look at all the imperfections around me and I wonder to myself do they share the same thoughts as I do. The fact that there's beautiful, average looking and the not good looking people in the world but you end up in the worst category is kind of unfortunate,don't you think. I'm not saying people who are beautiful have the easy way out, they still have to work to survive. I bet some of you must be thinking that I should be appreciative of what I have and not ask for more, only then can we live happily. Honestly,I do,I'm thankful for what I have but is it my fault that my mind keeps thinking about why God would create a person who is not good looking and at the same time has so many personality problems and insecurities. I thought everyone is created equal if you have brains,you might not have beauty and if you have beauty,you might not have the brains but there are some which have both and then there's the minority which have none.
I just wish things were a little easier you know, at least give me something that I can be proud of, something that I'm good at. Give me a pretty face so that I can be more confident when talking to people or give me a brain to think about useful stuff or passion,bravery or confidence. Look at me now, I sit at home everyday playing games, feeling sorry about myself by writing this blog and not doing anything useful. I'm afraid to go out to look for a job, I feel insecure because I can't speak my mother tongue and I just feel that I don't belong. I'm afraid people would look down on me and judge me,and I honestly hate that. Is it wrong to try to be perfect in the eyes of the people? As naive as that sounds, I want that.
The only solution I have now is to find someone who I can embrace and take the misery away. Someone who loves me for who I am and is willing to help me sort my mind in the right path. I need someone who can support me, to kiss me and make me forget even if it is only for a while. I need that even if it sounds ridiculous to you..
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