Isn't it weird that I wake up every morning feeling happy and jovial but as the day goes on I just get depressed especially towards the night. I think the reason for this is because of the lack of company, being cooped up in the house whole day alone does make your mind wonder. I think about things like life,future, relationships and how the hell am I going to get through them. Maybe I should talk to someone but who can I call? Although I feel so confused,lost and sad now, I don't think I should burden anyone else with what seems to be a problem to me but not to anyone else. And it isn't fair for them to carry this burden with me but I think the most important thing is that I don't want them to think of me differently. Again,maybe I'm thinking too much but there's truth in what I say, I honestly feel that some of my friends think the same way too. That is why I choose to mask my emotions, to be a quiet,calm and steady figure for the world to see. I guess it's a good practice cause when I enter the working industry soon or later, emotions should never get in the way of your work and in some cases following your emotions is good but rational thinking is always the answer in my opinion.
Anyways,I still think there's something seriously wrong with me. I know this may sound ridiculous but again, this is how I feel and humans just don't stop feeling. Whenever I see pictures of friends for instance celebrating a birthday party,having a sweet conversation or just having a good time, I just feel sad and depressed but at the same time I'm happy that they're doing fine if that makes any sense. I know it is something stupid to be sad about and I should just let it go but I think the reason for this recurrence is because I've never experienced it before and I really want to, I want to feel what is it like to be surprised for a birthday party or what it feels to have someone genuinely give you a gift or anyone to show me that they really care for me. I once had a birthday party can't really remember when but I think I was 10 years old. I had it at my house, my parents organized all the catering and my brothers planned the games. I know I've mentioned never getting to experience a party before but this is different. Friends came and they brought gifts just as a token of appreciation for inviting them. Sorry if that came out offensive but honestly some of the gifts really shouldn't be given as gifts in the first place. Yes, it's the thought that counts but not what's inside. Seriously at this age, do you think any of my friends gave a thought to genuinely give me a gift, maybe it isn't fair to say all but most only want to have fun. I didn't notice that then but as I grew older I did give it some thought.
Hence,every year I don't actually look forward in celebrating my birthday. What's the point, I'm 1 year older and not like anyone cares. Facebook friends wish me cause the system notifies them that it's my birthday so they do so just to be nice and friendly. This year I 'celebrated' my 20th birthday, I was in Penang with my parents that weekend and we had to just do it there. So, I had a free buffet dinner together with some doctors and drug reps cause it's suppose to be some convention dinner and my dad decided to turn it into my birthday dinner. On my birthday itself, I practically stayed in the room watching tv and my birthday cake was a cake given by a friend of my dad's which again miraculously became my birthday cake. I understand that it's a little childish to want a surprise party,a proper cake with people you care and who cares about you but everyone is different like my brother he honestly doesn't give a damn about birthdays. I think what hurts the most is that none of my friends bothered to offer me a day out to spend my birthday with them and I think only 3 personally texted me. Then, when I see my friends posting up pics about how they were surprised, I wasn't even called to be part of the surprise but anyway back to the story, I thought that 'well,I wish someday I'll be surprised as well'. =),still hoping I guess but just a glimmer.
Don't get me wrong, I have a few close friends who are really good people, they care for me I guess but I think the way they show it is different from what I expect it to be.
Yes,I admit I have issues and it's not right for me to call out to my friends like that because who knows some of them maybe sincere and genuine in their actions but how am I suppose to know if it's true if you don't consistently show or tell me.
I hide myself from the world because I'm ashamed of myself and yet I expect people to take notice of me, to care. Maybe it isn't fair on your part for me to say so but you just don't go demanding for a surprise party right? I'm not making this about some stupid party, it's just an example. I don't know, I feel horrible now. My mind is now just clouded with random thoughts and my heart feels heavy. Sometimes, I just want it to stop spinning, to close my eyes and never wake up....
Suicide? I admit,the thought has always been there but I'm too weak to do it and I do think there's still reasons to continue living. The problem is how do I get through all these hardships alone, some days I feel so confident and strong but then there are days when I just feel so miserable. I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I'm not sure how long I can cope with this.
A random stranger told me that suicide should not be the first option. I'll try, I promise you this but if all else fails, then I just have to do it...
Ps. I understand that some of the things that I've mentioned mean very little to you, but for someone as insecure,sensitive and one that has few friends and encountering social issues, everything means and signifies something important to me. Just so you know, I'm not trying to blow things out of proportion but in my mind, it seems to be already in pieces.
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