A Wallflower perhaps?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". -Charlie

This is certainly one of the books I can really relate to and that is why to me, it's the best book I read so far thanks to Stephen Chbosky. I've watched the movie as well and I think it really did the novel justice. Well, it isn't surprising since it's directed by the writer,Stephen Chbosky himself.
Anyway, this story is about a 16 year old boy named Charlie trying to figure out himself and his place in society. He's shy, quiet and a social misfit but he tries his best not to be lonely. In high school, seniors, Sam played by the ever lovely Emma Watson and Patrick played by Ezra Miller gave Charlie a brand new perspective of life. When I was reading Charlie's thoughts, I felt  how much he cares and loves his friends specifically Sam and Patrick. I feel exactly the same way towards my friends but what's different between me and Charlie is that they don't see it, they don't feel what I'm feeling and they don't understand. Maybe it's just me thinking too much but what Sam says does make complete sense.


“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.”  -Sam

Maybe it's just the culture nowadays, people no longer feel that they should express how they feel about someone. They take for granted that the act of doing something that matters to someone is adequate. Don't get me wrong, your actions do matter but sometimes I think people want to hear the words that allow them to feel that they're wanted,cared for and loved. That they mean something and that they're special in their own ways. I don't know what to think whether they're friends, best friends or not friends at all. Best friends? What do they do? Can someone explain it to me in detail? I thought best friends trust each other and they share things together, and they talk and feel good about one another. I understand that we've known each other for like almost 14 years now but it's amazing that we still barely know each other and yet we're best friends. Does the term best friend apply because you've known me for such a long time and not because you know me better? I find it difficult to believe that we're best friends simply because we don't even contact each other that often anymore after secondary school ended and I feel that I've been left behind. Well,I bet a few or none are reading my posts anyway. I'm just writing it because I feel good after doing it I guess. But if you are reading this, don't get offended k, this is how I feel and I know it does sound kind of stupid,sissy or sensitive for a guy to feel that way but emotions are difficult to control.

“He's a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” 
-Patrick

I'm socially awkward and I try not to be. I try to participate but most of the times it turns out awkward. Whenever I have a one-to-one conversation with any of my friends, I got to admit the atmosphere seems rather uneasy. I guess it's only me then. I'll just end with a passage from the book as I feel it just teaches me so much about life and I would like to share it with everyone reading my blog. Hopefully there is.

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”