Pain?

Most people resort to pain when they are undergoing stress,depressed or is unhappy about something..they tend to inflict pain on themselves just to feel glad,relieved and good..will it work?? I don't know..how would I?..Maybe I could give it a try...As I sat in tuition class today(Hamdan), I held a blade in my hand,flickering it around..wondering how does it feel to see blood oozing out of the cut made on my hand...how does it feel to experience pain...I took the pen I was writing with and pressed it forcely into my skin..it felt great and painful eventhough its just a pen......if a pen can be that great a feeling,how does a blade feel like then?..I wonder..If your heart feels so heavyhow do we let it out...shout at the top of the mountains,murder someone,sex,suicide,pain...what and how?..I don't know what is hardship,I don't understand love,I don't understand how friendship works..so how can I judge...why must I feel so heavy hearted when I don't understand anything at all..am I retarded and crazy?..or am I just thinking too much like a girl?..

A moody morning...

Woke up at 6.00am..still on the bed laying down..staring at the ceiling thinking...just thinking about how schools gona be...how can I get through another day without humiliating myself or getting in anyone's nerves....It was raining heavily outside and this was indeed a good sight...raining means no assembly,meaning no duty...YES!!..I was so glad that I went back to sleep and cuddle under my blanket..zzz...6.15am my mum woke me up ask to go and wash up...walked up lazily..went to drink a glass of milo then to the toilet where I showered about 15 minutes...the water was so warm and nice...I stayed under the running water the whole time..as I stood relaxing..I thought about my dream I had..bout my friends most of the time,bout the humiliating defeat in debate,bout how people say I act like a faggot..at6.30am came out of the bathroom..not wanting to look at my naked self as I feel disgusted and sick already although exercise so much but seems to have no effect... disappointed..quickly changed into my clothes said a morning prayer and then waited for ivan to come...off the school..Fortunately,it was still raining when we reached school,so assembly would certianly be cancelled for sure...walked straight to class..puvilan,kenny all was sleeping...went to the next class for awhile and chat with ivan and mogana bout stupid prefect,riot,teachers and crap...ntgh muchla damn boring..went back to my own class puvilan,kenny,leong ask why so moodyla,what happened,..kenny as usual look at his faggot face..I buat tak tahu..straight sit and said nothing....I thought how can puvilan be so perfect and I cant...he has a gf,his good in sports,he knows bout cars,football and stuff which I don't know at all,he's goodlooking,humble,kind,smart...how can someone be so perfect?.. how come I cant be like him...I was disappointed and sad..so the entire time I kept quiet..if I talk also people dont get me and sometimes I often offend them..so better remain silent and not talk..better to just enclosed everything within yourself then let people criticise or get offended.. I know there's something wrong with me but I still havent found a perfect person who can help and fix me yet...Im frustrated,confused and angry..not only about this..as Im writting this my father is busy shouting and complaining in the background..Im furious..always come back shout,shout,shout,complain this and that,scold,scold,scold...I just cant take it any longer..someone save me..Help..Pls help

My Friend's Wedding(Yet to be)

Well,all husband-wife relationship ofter starts with a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship...I have some friends who are already a couple as puvilan&stephanie,andrea&jerome,dahrick&some1 unknown,vivian &weisoon and more..but the best couple Ive ever seen so far is puvilan&stephanie of course^^..Let me tell you abit about them..in a relationship,most people often brag about it,telling the whole world I have a girlfriend or boyfriend,I LOVE U on the internet..on the streets and crap alot about Im no longer lonely and shit..but puvilan&stephanie is totally different..they are serious in what they are doing,they understand and aware not to go over the limit and most importantly they still treat their friends with care and likeness...although they maybe a charming couple,they do not showoff and brag about it..and that is what I really like about them..how handsome or beautiful you can be,it doesn't really matter as long as you have people around you to care and love..Im really proud and blessed to have them as my friends seriously because although in a relationship,they still take the effort to care and ask about what my problems are..and I really appreaciate it..I would like to say thank you but I cant seem to get the words out..well this is the best time then..THANK YOU!!..hmmm..now about the wedding..well Im really sure it will work out though..even from different race their parents hopefully would understand..hehe..lets see who'll be the bestman..the candidates are Kenny,long time friend with both Puvilan and Stephanie who lives opposite her house and the next candidate is..errr..unknown and unknown..meaning kenny is the bestman or the bride's maid..his wishla.>< honestly sometimes I really dont get him..he laughs out of the blues then serious then emo then keep calling me faggot,faggot,faggot...hmm..sometimes I really just hate him and it really hurts if someone keep calling you a freaking faggot a whole day..nevertheless,I think I understand enough to forgive him...he is reallly a good,loyal and caring friend although he often curses..what Im trying to say is it is fun being around him and he might not be fun or enjoyable around me because I dont talk much..maybe everyone would find me boring..too badla for me..this is life and its hard to change the way I am after 16 years living like this..I hope the best for my friends and whoever Ive not mentioned..itll be on my next blog...Nitez^^