Back to the old times

Hey,peeps..=)..Im back once again after err 5 months..sry guys..been busy with my pathetic life but now Im back to share with u guys more about my pathetic life.

The past 5 months I have done nothing much except for studying,eating,sleeping,thinking about how miserable my life is as a teenager,spending time with friends,making new enemies and haven't change one bit.I just sat for my 2nd monthly exam and am very disappointed with my grades especially my bio and sj.But theres nothing I can do about it.Whats done is done and unfortunately I have to face the consequences.What I do later on doesn't matter anymore.It cant change my grades.No,it cant but it certainly can change the grades for the next exam that is coming up..=).. yea yea.screw this optimistic crap..but yet nothing matters anymore.Ive failed and I know it.Everyone knows it.No where to hide,no where to run.Just have to suck it up and live with it.

Well,this Tuesday morning,woke up at 6.00am,cleaned up and prepared for school as usual.Nothing great,just another routine in every teen's life eh..Sad as usual tat morning,did my crappy prefects duty moodily and just stood at the garage looking at the students assemble at that chilly morning.zzz..my school's prefects system is stupid like hell..rountine C it is said..and all I have to do is just stand and take care of the teacher's cars like some freaking servant.OK, screw the prefects,dont give a damn bout it.After assembly,entered the class and sat next to my deskmate,with no reason I find it uncomfortable to talk to him..=(..and even worst,he read about me talking bad about him on my blog.Crap,that gotta hurt.I'm hurt too cause I'm the one who made the mistake in posting my anger in my blog.I'm deeply sorry.When he told me,I was embarassed and speechless.Nothing to say at all.But deep down,I know how he feels and I dont blame him for hating me.Everything I do is my fault.Every single thing I try to help or do will turn out disastrous and it is all my fault.All me.Everything me.Do you know how difficult for me to fit in?No,you dont.Do you know how much I want to go back in time and just change my life? Do you know how much I hate myself?..No,no,no no one knows.Even if you hate me now,it doesnt matter cause I already hate myself and that wouldnt affect me one bit.

I just want to go back.Go back in being a baby.Grow normally,live normally,not like what Im doing now.Pathetic!.As I sat in class that very morning and looked around at each and every of my classmates,I thought wow,they can run real fast,they are real atheletes.They can sing so sweetly.They can play the guitar,the drums so well.They have a relationship that they can indulge themselves into.They have a band.They can talk so well and make funny jokes.They play football together like best pals.They know about cars,handphones,bikes.Then,finally I look at myself,what am I?.Im just a failure,a broken toy,a quitter among them.Back to the old days,I was a pianist,I was a swimmer,I was a tennis player,I was an artist..but what am I today. Nothing at all,just a hollow shell filled with pain and misery.What have I turn to?..I no longer care like when Im back in the old times.Im filled with hate,jealousy,anger.I cheat to win and I lie and lie to get what I want.What have I become?.Why is this happening to me?..Nothing matters anymore as what I touch now in the end just turns into sheer dust.