2011:I'm finally back

Hey,guys.I decided to start blogging again after a long 3 years. I don't know if anyone is reading my posts or updates but if any of you are, just want to say I'm sorry for taking such a long break. Something inspired me to start blogging again and guess who,it's someone in my family.=). And that person who so 'inspired' me to blog again is my Dad. I have no idea if all dads are the same but mine is definitely so 'unique',so 'rare' in many possible ways. Well, for instance, my dad loves scolding people every day:morning,afternoon,night. Even if there is nothing to be angry about,he would still find fault with you. In shorter words,my dad love arguments or maybe he just likes scolding people as he has nothing better to do. As an example, we were going out for dinner one night and he asked what do we like to eat. My mum and I said anything,and that he can go wherever he likes. He started saying,"Every time also like that,'dont know where to eat',always say 'anything',later not happy already blame me". This did not happen once or twice but almost every time we go out for dinner. And even though we did not complain about the food when it really tasted horrible, he still thinks that we are blaming him. So yea, I think I could get a record for the number of times being scolded by my dad in a year which is every single day. Secondly, my dad is a very money-minded man.For instance, my mum went shopping and all the goods cost RM375.50, it is always a must to get the receipt from the cashier in order to claim money from him. Every single cent counts. If he was to checked the receipt and found out that what you have written on the whiteboard does not tally with the price on the receipt, then you would get a earful of him. Next, my dad,mum and I went to stay in if I'm not mistaken in 1world hotel KL. He had some medical conference and had to leave us in the hotel.Hence, he gave us RM300 to spend in 1Utama. After shopping and having our meal, we went back to our hotel to relax and unwind. There was a remainder of RM100 but my mum completely forgot about it. Failing to return the remainder to my dad resulted in heavy consequences. An hour of grumbling and scolding. Then I thought to myself, I always had the idea that husband and wife should trust each other. But from what I've seen displayed by my so 'incredible' dad of mine, he does not really trust my mum.He would always say things like "Spend already the remainder no need to give back ah","Remember that day the balance,you deduct from there","Why everything also claim from me,every single cent also want to count". The worst part is he always repeats the same thing and it really gets on your nerves. I have no mood to talk about him anymore. HAHA. The next post would be out once I get angry again...=)..PEACE and I dont feel like this all the time,don't get scared.

Pain

Well,what does the picture above tells you?..Before I go on,the above picture is about the popular vampire love story written by Stephanie Meyer and the 1st book,TWILIGHT has been a hit on the teatres recently.Its about the love of a vampire,an immortal towards a mortal,just a normal girl he met in school.Lets be realistic,this of course is certainly fiction as vampires do not exist in our world.Many hope that it would be true that this guy above,Edward Cullen exist in our world.I too hope that I could become him,so cold,handsome,hard and sweet.Who wouldn't. Although its just fiction,the love between these two people is actually the same in real life.It is the same thing as what we are experiencing or about to experience.True love.But wait a minute,can someone actually be as perfect as edward,be as cool and sweet as him in reality.Maybe there is,but it is certainly rare.You see edward isn't perfect.He is vulnerable and has weaknesses just as any other human,just as his beloved Bella.Even if you are an immortal now,would you be happy with that life,would you be perfect as you imagine now,imagining yourself in edward's place.Yes,maybe at the beginning you'll be overjoyed,you'll say"I can run as fast as lightning and can jump across buldings,I can read people's minds and I can see and hear sharply".Yes,you certainly have extra abilities and capabilities but would you be happy?You no longer are human,you no longer live human,you are different and scary for humans.You must live alone,isolated from reality.

But one thing remains the same the love you feel towards someone.Even if your mortal or immortal it doesn't change,it exists and it will remain to exist in your entire life.So,actually there's no point being him,Edward.If you can live forever,what do you live for?..You see.. what will you actually live for?..You still experience pain even if you are hard and cold as rock.The heart ache of not touching your beloved,afraid that she will crumble under your fingers is the most painful thing you will ever experience.The pain to see her crying,not able to touch and comfort her hurts and cuts deeper into your heart.You are suffering when you want to be Edward.So,stop dreaming..wake up and face reality.He is just as any other people but only a few exceptions for him.

But it is difficult for me to wake up and face reality.I hate reality,I hate the reality that I can't run,I hate the reality that my secrets are exposed,I hate every minute,every second of it,I hate the masked people around me,I HATE IT!...Just to be in a dream,to be Edward is all I can ask for.To be perfect.Yes,to be PERFECT is what I always wanted.Just a dream I reminded myself. But every time I open my eyes being him,I feel happy and whole again.Finally,IM ACTUALLY PERFECT.

A Guy's Heartache

Sometimes in life,you will not always get what you want,what you want might be possible to acquire but is it right for you to have it is just another question in hand.Is it right to follow your heart and just go after that dream of yours,to follow your selfishness or is it right to think rationally and to abandon whatever dream you have in mind just for the better.I would not know because I had not experience such a situation in my life before.Is is that hard to let go?Is it that difficult to put my selfishness aside just for the better for you and me?I do not know.Is it?

I always dreamed of being a runner..oh how I ran,how i impress people with my speed,how people voice out their praises to me,dreamed of being like me.Its just a dream anyway.My friends could run.Yes they could.They are even smart,they lead clubs,organisations and prefectorial board.Yes,yes these was what I always wanted.Till now.It started last Thursday when I went out with four of friends to watch a movie.They have capabilities that I will not deny and oh how I wanted them too.But on that day,I had so much fun laughing,talking,crapping up stupid jokes together with them and I realised that capabilities do not matter as how much I wanted to be with them everyday of my life.Just talking with them makes me happy.Happiness I realised was what I lacked in my life.It doesn't matter if they are talented or capable anymore,I like them for who they are,they are my friends and I know it.I do not mind if they hate me in their hearts because I know I do not hate them but I actually like them being around me.What matters is they treat me well,they treat me as a friend of their own,they make me feel special about myself even though I am not.After 4 years,..so very long for me to realise that it is important to spend time with them,to go out,to fool around,to play sports together but now there is only 1 year left to go.I would very much like to share my time with them for this very last year and I really really hope that they feel the same way too.

Equal Happiness

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can yo...u say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"-Marley&Me-Josh Grogan

I just finished watching Marley&Me today,though its a 2008 movie,it doesn't matter because what I've learnt from this movie is so much more worth it than the due date.To the people who have not watch this movie,you better watch it because its just a great movie about the life and love of a family and a wonderful and a wonderful and loyal dog name Marley.You see Marley its just like any other dog,it may not be special,smart or perfect to people but to its owner it is certainly one of a kind.It is the same for those who own dogs,we will always treat our dogs as a special and great dog.It doesnt matter if its cute or not,what matters is that if you care for it,it will do the same to you.That is how i feel about my dog and that is how I am going to keep it forever.Although its just a stray dog,but I certainly do not mind because I love her and she loves me too.That is what matters in life.How useless am I in life,I do not feel like this around my dog because she makes me feel special,extraodinary and loved.How many people can really do this for you?Friends?Its just so rare and uncomfortable at times.Dogs are not just a pretty face where you adore them when their puppies and dump them when they are old.They are just like any other humans and surprisingly they are even better than some.They can be understanding although they can't talk.When your sad or down,they will just look up at you with their hopeful eyes and tell us that everything is ok.

Marley,The Clearance Puppy

Marley at the beach

Marley messed up the garaj..=)..cute


Marley looking up at the camera..


Marley Big Boy

Liar..

Hey folks,I decided to do 2posts today as I feel very guilty and would certainly like to express my hate towards myself.I know many won't be reading this but what can be done.Its your choice eh,not mine.So i won't be forcing any of you to read this or grumble over this crap cause Im emo.No I wont.OK,I am a liar.So, don believe what Ive written above,Its not true..=P..zz..lame..What I want to say is Ive been lying to myself from the beginning and I do not want to continue lying anymore as it doesnt help anything...2bad.><..I want to be a footballer,a guitarist,a drummer,a pianist,a debater,the top student in Malaysia,know bout cars and cool gadjets after seeing many people doing so.I thought well,I can also be like them if I work and study hard.But it's just a lie.I've tried and tried,practice and practice but no result at all,maybe I should just accept the fact that Im not talented.I always thought that with hard work,I can do anything.Everyone says this but sadly to say its a lie.I want to run like an athlete can.I went jogging every day but it doesnt help.Haiz, I think that every one is born with their own capabilities and if you can't do it means you can't.Its just fate.Am I the only one who is born without any talents?..maybe,I wouldnt know.Its sad,always have to stand around the corner while you watch your friends perform.Watching your friend run a 100m sprint while you sit there like a big fat blob helplessly.Watching your friend on stage performing as a band in front of a wild crowd.That is so cool.Ive always dreamt of being good at something.Anything,jus anything, if only people had given me the chance or the support.Unfortunately,people just care about themselves most of the time.

Back to the old times

Hey,peeps..=)..Im back once again after err 5 months..sry guys..been busy with my pathetic life but now Im back to share with u guys more about my pathetic life.

The past 5 months I have done nothing much except for studying,eating,sleeping,thinking about how miserable my life is as a teenager,spending time with friends,making new enemies and haven't change one bit.I just sat for my 2nd monthly exam and am very disappointed with my grades especially my bio and sj.But theres nothing I can do about it.Whats done is done and unfortunately I have to face the consequences.What I do later on doesn't matter anymore.It cant change my grades.No,it cant but it certainly can change the grades for the next exam that is coming up..=).. yea yea.screw this optimistic crap..but yet nothing matters anymore.Ive failed and I know it.Everyone knows it.No where to hide,no where to run.Just have to suck it up and live with it.

Well,this Tuesday morning,woke up at 6.00am,cleaned up and prepared for school as usual.Nothing great,just another routine in every teen's life eh..Sad as usual tat morning,did my crappy prefects duty moodily and just stood at the garage looking at the students assemble at that chilly morning.zzz..my school's prefects system is stupid like hell..rountine C it is said..and all I have to do is just stand and take care of the teacher's cars like some freaking servant.OK, screw the prefects,dont give a damn bout it.After assembly,entered the class and sat next to my deskmate,with no reason I find it uncomfortable to talk to him..=(..and even worst,he read about me talking bad about him on my blog.Crap,that gotta hurt.I'm hurt too cause I'm the one who made the mistake in posting my anger in my blog.I'm deeply sorry.When he told me,I was embarassed and speechless.Nothing to say at all.But deep down,I know how he feels and I dont blame him for hating me.Everything I do is my fault.Every single thing I try to help or do will turn out disastrous and it is all my fault.All me.Everything me.Do you know how difficult for me to fit in?No,you dont.Do you know how much I want to go back in time and just change my life? Do you know how much I hate myself?..No,no,no no one knows.Even if you hate me now,it doesnt matter cause I already hate myself and that wouldnt affect me one bit.

I just want to go back.Go back in being a baby.Grow normally,live normally,not like what Im doing now.Pathetic!.As I sat in class that very morning and looked around at each and every of my classmates,I thought wow,they can run real fast,they are real atheletes.They can sing so sweetly.They can play the guitar,the drums so well.They have a relationship that they can indulge themselves into.They have a band.They can talk so well and make funny jokes.They play football together like best pals.They know about cars,handphones,bikes.Then,finally I look at myself,what am I?.Im just a failure,a broken toy,a quitter among them.Back to the old days,I was a pianist,I was a swimmer,I was a tennis player,I was an artist..but what am I today. Nothing at all,just a hollow shell filled with pain and misery.What have I turn to?..I no longer care like when Im back in the old times.Im filled with hate,jealousy,anger.I cheat to win and I lie and lie to get what I want.What have I become?.Why is this happening to me?..Nothing matters anymore as what I touch now in the end just turns into sheer dust.

Pain?

Most people resort to pain when they are undergoing stress,depressed or is unhappy about something..they tend to inflict pain on themselves just to feel glad,relieved and good..will it work?? I don't know..how would I?..Maybe I could give it a try...As I sat in tuition class today(Hamdan), I held a blade in my hand,flickering it around..wondering how does it feel to see blood oozing out of the cut made on my hand...how does it feel to experience pain...I took the pen I was writing with and pressed it forcely into my skin..it felt great and painful eventhough its just a pen......if a pen can be that great a feeling,how does a blade feel like then?..I wonder..If your heart feels so heavyhow do we let it out...shout at the top of the mountains,murder someone,sex,suicide,pain...what and how?..I don't know what is hardship,I don't understand love,I don't understand how friendship works..so how can I judge...why must I feel so heavy hearted when I don't understand anything at all..am I retarded and crazy?..or am I just thinking too much like a girl?..