I'm different...

         Hi there, just a quick update. I'm free to write nowadays because my 2 weeks Raya break has finally begun, so yea, lots of playing,sleeping and just lazing around the house. It's great though to take a break from the kids, gosh it's really tiring, honestly I don't know whether I have the patience to deal with them. My O-level student has psychological problem in my opinion, she has mood swings,utterly rude and impolite to teachers and overreacting most of the time. From what I've heard she's been bullied in school and that her parents don't pay her any attention,both working patients,what do you expect and one more thing she's a foreigner. Bullying is really subjective,one might be very sensitive and just take anything seriously,be affected by it and call it bullying. Nowadays,children are so pampered that I'm not surprised that even words like crazy used in a jokingly manner is considered verbal abuse. If it is done repetitively verbally or physically,it is considered as abuse but if people/friends just say stuff jokingly, we should just play along,don't you think? Again,it's subjective. I don't know how to deal with her to be honest, I've had a talk with her during my first week and told her everyone has problems,I have my share of problems, it is up to you how to deal with them. Seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

      I'm really trying to understand what are they going to achieve by throwing tantrums and lashing out at everyone around them. How does it solve your problem? One thing you have to understand is that the world doesn't revolve around you, you don't go forcing your problems on people expecting them to understand, to pity you. Self-pity, it's common and its such a nuisance how it just sucks the life out of someone. Look around you, the world is beautiful, the people are. Problems are inevitable, it's just the question of how you look at it, yea it's difficult,easier said than done, but it's psychological, you have to venture more, experience and see for yourself how some people live their life and be thankful.

     I'm still afraid, afraid that people would finally see who I really am inside and I'm sure some would be disgusted. I have no control over it, psychological or not,I'm not too sure but for now I'm just going to put it aside and focus on my education. I'll 'go with the flow' as people say and I hope that one day I'll be strong to face it.

Life's good for now...

              It's been a  few months since I last updated. Maybe it's because I'm occupied with work and that I'm tired most of the time, so I don't really give a thought about my life. If you have not figured it out yet, I only blog when I'm sad and I think it's unfair for me to only write about the crappy things that happened but not the great things I've done and gone through. So yea, this is what I've been up to for the last 2 months.
 I started working as a tutor at a home school in early July. I am hired specially to teach a girl O-levels, biology to be more specific but also help out with the other children when I'm free. At first, I was reluctant because it has been almost half a year since I finished my A-levels, and to be honest I don't remember half of what I studied. But well,since I'm free anyway, it's time to do something about my life and is it not better to work and earn some pocket money rather than stay at home and get emotional. The first week was kinda rough for me, I thought oh god,what have I got myself into,I can't control these kids and it's driving me insane. How am I going to cope with these till September I wondered. Yea,I'm that kind of person, a person who is quick to jump to conclusions and proclaim the worst in everything. I'm working with another tutor too, Sharon. I've known her for quite some time from church. She's really talkative,friendly,religious and just a fun person to be around with. I don't know her personally,ermm well I think it's safe to save I don't know anyone personally but working here has really changed my way of thinking.As days past, I grew fond of the children, some days I am really eager to meet them. Even if there are times when they just piss me off, the anger fades away when I get back home.

             I'm grateful that I started work here. I don't know the reason why I have stopped being emotional and cry myself to sleep every night but I just feel that occupying myself with things just distract me from overthinking stuff. And it's great to feel happy,to smile,laugh and talk again. I feel that I don't need anyone to comfort me,to care for me and tell me it's ok, I understand I've wrote about this in my previous posts about how I need someone to truly care for me. But the fact is, I've been deluded from reality, I've been talking about how my friends don't acknowledge my existence,don't throw me birthday parties,surprises and shit but the truth is should I let them get to me? It's my life after all, I don't need them and I'm quite sure when the time comes when they have to choose between saving themselves or me, they would choose to save themselves. I'm not saying all friends are bad but generally they are human after all, we fight to survive. I like how I'm feeling now, I feel hollow, I feel that I don't really care about the people around me anymore or how they think of me. I have been pitying myself , feeling sorry about my life, yes, I'm not good looking,talented or good with my family or friends but I'm going to fight for myself, I'm going to be successful and I'm going to enjoy life. Friends come and go, you know. In the end,all there's left is you, so it's time for people to stop being hurt by what their friends say or do, they aren't going to be around us forever, friendships drift apart, kind works are spoken just to savor the moment, as time past, you'll realise how fast friends become strangers.

          To people with a history of problems, all I've gotta say is the past doesn't define who you are today. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing something with your life. Work hard, prove to everyone that you can be successful. The world doesn't revolve around you, even if you tell the world about your sad past, most won't give a shit about it,some would just give temporary support, say encouraging words but how does that help you in the long run? You may feel cared for but it's only momentarily, it's up to you how to live your life. I understand that we're all humans too, we have emotions and feelings, and hence we are subjected to want somebody to comfort us, it's psychological in my opinion, some people deal with them differently, some need people,some do things that help distract them. So, needing someone is not necessary. That's it for now. I'll talk more about me later. =) Have a good day..

SS,hope you're doing well,my only reader..LOL

Sympathy? Really? Do I need that?

          No one is reading my blog. Although I have said numerous times that it doesn't matter, I really do hope someone does. Yea, that's how fickle my brain is. The truth is I love attention, I crave for sympathy even though I'm well aware seeking sympathy is pathetic and makes you weaker in time. You must be wondering why do I still want it?? Do I really need people to tell me that I'm stronger than this, that I'm special, that it'll get better to feel better about myself? I guess so. That's how insecure I feel. Whenever someone says something negative about me, it just tears me apart and instead of taking it and standing back up stronger with my two feet, I choose to wallow in self pity. It happens every time and I'll have to mouthed it out loud to not cry and constantly remind myself that guys don't break down over silly matters but I'll end up crying anyway. I feel like a hypocrite, I say that it doesn't affect me and that I'm fine, but when I'm back home, I'm exactly the opposite.

          One more thing I want you to know is that I feel disgusted with my looks. When I look at myself in the mirror, I think to myself, who would ever like this face, how could I be with someone who is good looking with a face like this. I know that we should always look at what's on the inside of someone and not the physical beauty. But maybe I just have high expectations, someone who is beautiful inside and out. Well,honestly who doesn't want the best of both worlds. When I'm out, I would just look at all the imperfections around me and I wonder to myself do they share the same thoughts as I do. The fact that there's beautiful, average looking and the not good looking people in the world but you end up in the worst category is kind of unfortunate,don't you think. I'm not saying people who are beautiful have the easy way out, they still have to work to survive. I bet some of you must be thinking that I should be appreciative of what I have and not ask for more, only then can we live happily. Honestly,I do,I'm thankful for what I have but is it my fault that my mind keeps thinking about why God would create a person who is not good looking and at the same time has so many personality problems and insecurities. I thought everyone is created equal if you have brains,you might not have beauty and if you have beauty,you might not have the brains but there are some which have both and then there's the minority which have none.

        I just wish things were a little easier you know, at least give me something that I can be proud of, something that I'm good at. Give me a pretty face so that I can be more confident when talking to people or give me a brain to think about useful stuff or passion,bravery or confidence. Look at me now, I sit at home everyday playing games, feeling sorry about myself by writing this blog and not doing anything useful. I'm afraid to go out to look for a job, I feel insecure because I can't speak my mother tongue and I just feel that I don't belong. I'm afraid people would look down on me and judge me,and I honestly hate that. Is it wrong to try to be perfect in the eyes of the people? As naive as that sounds, I want that.

The only solution I have now is to find someone who I can embrace and take the misery away. Someone who loves me for who I am and is willing to help me sort my mind in the right path. I need someone who can support me, to kiss me and make me forget even if it is only for a while. I need that even if it sounds ridiculous to you..

Depression??

     Isn't it weird that I wake up every morning feeling happy and jovial but as the day goes on I just get depressed especially towards the night. I think the reason for this is because of the lack of company, being cooped up in the house whole day alone does make your mind wonder. I think about things like life,future, relationships and how the hell am I going to get through them. Maybe I should talk to someone but who can I call? Although I feel so confused,lost and sad now, I don't think I should burden anyone else with what seems to be a problem to me but not to anyone else. And it isn't fair for them to carry this burden with me but I think the most important thing is that I don't want them to think of me differently. Again,maybe I'm thinking too much but there's truth in what I say, I honestly feel that some of my friends think the same way too. That is why I choose to mask my emotions, to be a quiet,calm and steady figure for the world to see. I guess it's a good practice cause when I enter the working industry soon or later, emotions should never get in the way of your work and in some cases following your emotions is good but rational thinking is always the answer in my opinion.

    Anyways,I still think there's something seriously wrong with me. I know this may sound ridiculous but again, this is how I feel and humans just don't stop feeling. Whenever I see pictures of friends for instance celebrating a birthday party,having a sweet conversation or just having a good time, I just feel sad and depressed but at the same time I'm happy that they're doing fine if that makes any sense. I know it is something stupid to be sad about and I should just let it go but I think the reason for this recurrence is because I've never experienced it before and I really want to, I want to feel what is it like to be surprised for a birthday party or what it feels to have someone genuinely give you a gift or anyone to show me that they really care for me. I once had a birthday party can't really remember when but I think I was 10 years old. I had it at my house, my parents organized all the catering and my brothers planned the games. I know I've mentioned never getting to experience a party before but this is different. Friends came and they brought gifts just as a token of appreciation for inviting them. Sorry if that came out offensive but honestly some of the gifts really shouldn't be given as gifts in the first place. Yes, it's the thought that counts but not what's inside. Seriously at this age, do you think any of my friends gave a thought to genuinely give me a gift, maybe it isn't fair to say all but most only want to have fun. I didn't notice that then but as I grew older I did give it some thought.

    Hence,every year I don't actually look forward in celebrating my birthday. What's the point, I'm 1 year older and not like anyone cares. Facebook friends wish me cause the system notifies them that it's my birthday so they do so just to be nice and friendly. This year I 'celebrated' my 20th birthday, I was in Penang with my parents that weekend and we had to just do it there. So, I had a free buffet dinner together with some doctors and drug reps cause it's suppose to be some convention dinner and my dad decided to turn it into my birthday dinner. On my birthday itself, I practically stayed in the room watching tv and my birthday cake was a cake given by a friend of my dad's which again miraculously became my birthday cake. I understand that it's a little childish to want a surprise party,a proper cake with people you care and who cares about you but everyone is different like my brother he honestly doesn't give a damn about birthdays. I think what hurts the most is that none of my friends bothered to offer me a day out to spend my birthday with them and I think only 3 personally texted me. Then, when I see my friends posting up pics about how they were surprised, I wasn't even called to be part of the surprise but anyway back to the story, I thought that 'well,I wish someday I'll be surprised as well'. =),still hoping I guess but just a glimmer.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few close friends who are really good people, they care for me I guess but I think the way they show it is different from what I expect it to be.

Yes,I admit I have issues and it's not right for me to call out to my friends like that because who knows some of them maybe sincere and genuine in their actions but how am I suppose to know if it's true if you don't consistently show or tell me.

I hide myself from the world because I'm ashamed of myself and yet I expect people to take notice of me, to care. Maybe it isn't fair on your part for me to say so but you just don't go demanding for a surprise party right? I'm not making this about some stupid party, it's just an example. I don't know, I feel horrible now. My mind is now just clouded with random thoughts and my heart feels heavy. Sometimes, I just want it to stop spinning, to close my eyes and never wake up....

Suicide? I admit,the thought has always been there but I'm too weak to do it and I do think there's still reasons to continue living. The problem is how do I get through all these hardships alone, some days I feel so confident and strong but then there are days when I just feel so miserable. I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I'm not sure how long I can cope with this.

A random stranger told me that suicide should not be the first option. I'll try, I promise you this but if all else fails, then I just have to do it...

Ps. I understand that some of the things that I've mentioned mean very little to you, but for someone as insecure,sensitive and one that has few friends and encountering social issues, everything means and signifies something important to me. Just so you know, I'm not trying to blow things out of proportion but in my mind, it seems to be already in pieces.







   

Absolutely Nothing...

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.


Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.” -Stephen Chbosky

A Wallflower perhaps?

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". -Charlie

This is certainly one of the books I can really relate to and that is why to me, it's the best book I read so far thanks to Stephen Chbosky. I've watched the movie as well and I think it really did the novel justice. Well, it isn't surprising since it's directed by the writer,Stephen Chbosky himself.
Anyway, this story is about a 16 year old boy named Charlie trying to figure out himself and his place in society. He's shy, quiet and a social misfit but he tries his best not to be lonely. In high school, seniors, Sam played by the ever lovely Emma Watson and Patrick played by Ezra Miller gave Charlie a brand new perspective of life. When I was reading Charlie's thoughts, I felt  how much he cares and loves his friends specifically Sam and Patrick. I feel exactly the same way towards my friends but what's different between me and Charlie is that they don't see it, they don't feel what I'm feeling and they don't understand. Maybe it's just me thinking too much but what Sam says does make complete sense.


“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.”  -Sam

Maybe it's just the culture nowadays, people no longer feel that they should express how they feel about someone. They take for granted that the act of doing something that matters to someone is adequate. Don't get me wrong, your actions do matter but sometimes I think people want to hear the words that allow them to feel that they're wanted,cared for and loved. That they mean something and that they're special in their own ways. I don't know what to think whether they're friends, best friends or not friends at all. Best friends? What do they do? Can someone explain it to me in detail? I thought best friends trust each other and they share things together, and they talk and feel good about one another. I understand that we've known each other for like almost 14 years now but it's amazing that we still barely know each other and yet we're best friends. Does the term best friend apply because you've known me for such a long time and not because you know me better? I find it difficult to believe that we're best friends simply because we don't even contact each other that often anymore after secondary school ended and I feel that I've been left behind. Well,I bet a few or none are reading my posts anyway. I'm just writing it because I feel good after doing it I guess. But if you are reading this, don't get offended k, this is how I feel and I know it does sound kind of stupid,sissy or sensitive for a guy to feel that way but emotions are difficult to control.

“He's a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” 
-Patrick

I'm socially awkward and I try not to be. I try to participate but most of the times it turns out awkward. Whenever I have a one-to-one conversation with any of my friends, I got to admit the atmosphere seems rather uneasy. I guess it's only me then. I'll just end with a passage from the book as I feel it just teaches me so much about life and I would like to share it with everyone reading my blog. Hopefully there is.

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.” 

Mid 2013 and I'm still here

   I know that I have neglected this blog for almost 2 years now because I did not have the heart to write anymore but things change over the years, people change, friends come and go. I believe I did too for the most parts. So, I've finished my A-levels in Taylor's College during these 2 years and I'm now waiting to pursue a career in medicine either in Australia or New Zealand. 6 months have gone by just like that and I have not been doing anything except for a 2 week attachment program with a local hospital here. Apart from that, I have been thinking a lot about my life and future. There are some things you might not understand here because I don't feel comfortable revealing it here. Don't be offended, no one knows except for me. It's a secret that only I know and intend to keep for the rest of my life for now. Anyway, for those who know me, I have always been a shy and quiet guy, I'll add in sensitive too. I actually vowed to start a new life in college and leave all these traits behind but as what people always say, it's difficult to change one's personality and it was for me. The first few months of college, I really tried to be outgoing and participate but then everything that I thought I left behind came rushing back. My self esteem got battered and I just lost myself at times. I know that people expect guys to be all tough,cool and calm but that is not who I am and even how much I try to be, I just do not have the confidence to do so. I'm worried that this would be a hindrance for me when I start my university life and to be honest I am not looking forward to it. It's pathetic to feel so weak and scared all the time that I hate myself so much for feeling that way. The worst part is I am not able to be open about it as I'm not comfortable in sharing with anyone not my family or friends. I don't know for how long I could cope with this alone but a random stranger told me that a distraction would be good and it actually works although it was only momentarily. I don't expect anyone to sympathize and pity me but just try to understand me in person. They say you should always take the first step and do something to change what makes you unhappy. The fact is it is difficult and what if there are things which can't be changed?? It's just that I don't understand why God creates people who are so different from one another, I get it that everyone has their own problems but isn't it unfair that some have to work so much harder or go through so much hardship compared to others? And they say it's fate but I say it's pure bullshit. So, yea. sorry for my ranting but for now I just see dark clouds overlooking a bloody lake...

2011:I'm finally back

Hey,guys.I decided to start blogging again after a long 3 years. I don't know if anyone is reading my posts or updates but if any of you are, just want to say I'm sorry for taking such a long break. Something inspired me to start blogging again and guess who,it's someone in my family.=). And that person who so 'inspired' me to blog again is my Dad. I have no idea if all dads are the same but mine is definitely so 'unique',so 'rare' in many possible ways. Well, for instance, my dad loves scolding people every day:morning,afternoon,night. Even if there is nothing to be angry about,he would still find fault with you. In shorter words,my dad love arguments or maybe he just likes scolding people as he has nothing better to do. As an example, we were going out for dinner one night and he asked what do we like to eat. My mum and I said anything,and that he can go wherever he likes. He started saying,"Every time also like that,'dont know where to eat',always say 'anything',later not happy already blame me". This did not happen once or twice but almost every time we go out for dinner. And even though we did not complain about the food when it really tasted horrible, he still thinks that we are blaming him. So yea, I think I could get a record for the number of times being scolded by my dad in a year which is every single day. Secondly, my dad is a very money-minded man.For instance, my mum went shopping and all the goods cost RM375.50, it is always a must to get the receipt from the cashier in order to claim money from him. Every single cent counts. If he was to checked the receipt and found out that what you have written on the whiteboard does not tally with the price on the receipt, then you would get a earful of him. Next, my dad,mum and I went to stay in if I'm not mistaken in 1world hotel KL. He had some medical conference and had to leave us in the hotel.Hence, he gave us RM300 to spend in 1Utama. After shopping and having our meal, we went back to our hotel to relax and unwind. There was a remainder of RM100 but my mum completely forgot about it. Failing to return the remainder to my dad resulted in heavy consequences. An hour of grumbling and scolding. Then I thought to myself, I always had the idea that husband and wife should trust each other. But from what I've seen displayed by my so 'incredible' dad of mine, he does not really trust my mum.He would always say things like "Spend already the remainder no need to give back ah","Remember that day the balance,you deduct from there","Why everything also claim from me,every single cent also want to count". The worst part is he always repeats the same thing and it really gets on your nerves. I have no mood to talk about him anymore. HAHA. The next post would be out once I get angry again...=)..PEACE and I dont feel like this all the time,don't get scared.

Pain

Well,what does the picture above tells you?..Before I go on,the above picture is about the popular vampire love story written by Stephanie Meyer and the 1st book,TWILIGHT has been a hit on the teatres recently.Its about the love of a vampire,an immortal towards a mortal,just a normal girl he met in school.Lets be realistic,this of course is certainly fiction as vampires do not exist in our world.Many hope that it would be true that this guy above,Edward Cullen exist in our world.I too hope that I could become him,so cold,handsome,hard and sweet.Who wouldn't. Although its just fiction,the love between these two people is actually the same in real life.It is the same thing as what we are experiencing or about to experience.True love.But wait a minute,can someone actually be as perfect as edward,be as cool and sweet as him in reality.Maybe there is,but it is certainly rare.You see edward isn't perfect.He is vulnerable and has weaknesses just as any other human,just as his beloved Bella.Even if you are an immortal now,would you be happy with that life,would you be perfect as you imagine now,imagining yourself in edward's place.Yes,maybe at the beginning you'll be overjoyed,you'll say"I can run as fast as lightning and can jump across buldings,I can read people's minds and I can see and hear sharply".Yes,you certainly have extra abilities and capabilities but would you be happy?You no longer are human,you no longer live human,you are different and scary for humans.You must live alone,isolated from reality.

But one thing remains the same the love you feel towards someone.Even if your mortal or immortal it doesn't change,it exists and it will remain to exist in your entire life.So,actually there's no point being him,Edward.If you can live forever,what do you live for?..You see.. what will you actually live for?..You still experience pain even if you are hard and cold as rock.The heart ache of not touching your beloved,afraid that she will crumble under your fingers is the most painful thing you will ever experience.The pain to see her crying,not able to touch and comfort her hurts and cuts deeper into your heart.You are suffering when you want to be Edward.So,stop dreaming..wake up and face reality.He is just as any other people but only a few exceptions for him.

But it is difficult for me to wake up and face reality.I hate reality,I hate the reality that I can't run,I hate the reality that my secrets are exposed,I hate every minute,every second of it,I hate the masked people around me,I HATE IT!...Just to be in a dream,to be Edward is all I can ask for.To be perfect.Yes,to be PERFECT is what I always wanted.Just a dream I reminded myself. But every time I open my eyes being him,I feel happy and whole again.Finally,IM ACTUALLY PERFECT.

A Guy's Heartache

Sometimes in life,you will not always get what you want,what you want might be possible to acquire but is it right for you to have it is just another question in hand.Is it right to follow your heart and just go after that dream of yours,to follow your selfishness or is it right to think rationally and to abandon whatever dream you have in mind just for the better.I would not know because I had not experience such a situation in my life before.Is is that hard to let go?Is it that difficult to put my selfishness aside just for the better for you and me?I do not know.Is it?

I always dreamed of being a runner..oh how I ran,how i impress people with my speed,how people voice out their praises to me,dreamed of being like me.Its just a dream anyway.My friends could run.Yes they could.They are even smart,they lead clubs,organisations and prefectorial board.Yes,yes these was what I always wanted.Till now.It started last Thursday when I went out with four of friends to watch a movie.They have capabilities that I will not deny and oh how I wanted them too.But on that day,I had so much fun laughing,talking,crapping up stupid jokes together with them and I realised that capabilities do not matter as how much I wanted to be with them everyday of my life.Just talking with them makes me happy.Happiness I realised was what I lacked in my life.It doesn't matter if they are talented or capable anymore,I like them for who they are,they are my friends and I know it.I do not mind if they hate me in their hearts because I know I do not hate them but I actually like them being around me.What matters is they treat me well,they treat me as a friend of their own,they make me feel special about myself even though I am not.After 4 years,..so very long for me to realise that it is important to spend time with them,to go out,to fool around,to play sports together but now there is only 1 year left to go.I would very much like to share my time with them for this very last year and I really really hope that they feel the same way too.

Equal Happiness

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can yo...u say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"-Marley&Me-Josh Grogan

I just finished watching Marley&Me today,though its a 2008 movie,it doesn't matter because what I've learnt from this movie is so much more worth it than the due date.To the people who have not watch this movie,you better watch it because its just a great movie about the life and love of a family and a wonderful and a wonderful and loyal dog name Marley.You see Marley its just like any other dog,it may not be special,smart or perfect to people but to its owner it is certainly one of a kind.It is the same for those who own dogs,we will always treat our dogs as a special and great dog.It doesnt matter if its cute or not,what matters is that if you care for it,it will do the same to you.That is how i feel about my dog and that is how I am going to keep it forever.Although its just a stray dog,but I certainly do not mind because I love her and she loves me too.That is what matters in life.How useless am I in life,I do not feel like this around my dog because she makes me feel special,extraodinary and loved.How many people can really do this for you?Friends?Its just so rare and uncomfortable at times.Dogs are not just a pretty face where you adore them when their puppies and dump them when they are old.They are just like any other humans and surprisingly they are even better than some.They can be understanding although they can't talk.When your sad or down,they will just look up at you with their hopeful eyes and tell us that everything is ok.

Marley,The Clearance Puppy

Marley at the beach

Marley messed up the garaj..=)..cute


Marley looking up at the camera..


Marley Big Boy

Liar..

Hey folks,I decided to do 2posts today as I feel very guilty and would certainly like to express my hate towards myself.I know many won't be reading this but what can be done.Its your choice eh,not mine.So i won't be forcing any of you to read this or grumble over this crap cause Im emo.No I wont.OK,I am a liar.So, don believe what Ive written above,Its not true..=P..zz..lame..What I want to say is Ive been lying to myself from the beginning and I do not want to continue lying anymore as it doesnt help anything...2bad.><..I want to be a footballer,a guitarist,a drummer,a pianist,a debater,the top student in Malaysia,know bout cars and cool gadjets after seeing many people doing so.I thought well,I can also be like them if I work and study hard.But it's just a lie.I've tried and tried,practice and practice but no result at all,maybe I should just accept the fact that Im not talented.I always thought that with hard work,I can do anything.Everyone says this but sadly to say its a lie.I want to run like an athlete can.I went jogging every day but it doesnt help.Haiz, I think that every one is born with their own capabilities and if you can't do it means you can't.Its just fate.Am I the only one who is born without any talents?..maybe,I wouldnt know.Its sad,always have to stand around the corner while you watch your friends perform.Watching your friend run a 100m sprint while you sit there like a big fat blob helplessly.Watching your friend on stage performing as a band in front of a wild crowd.That is so cool.Ive always dreamt of being good at something.Anything,jus anything, if only people had given me the chance or the support.Unfortunately,people just care about themselves most of the time.

Back to the old times

Hey,peeps..=)..Im back once again after err 5 months..sry guys..been busy with my pathetic life but now Im back to share with u guys more about my pathetic life.

The past 5 months I have done nothing much except for studying,eating,sleeping,thinking about how miserable my life is as a teenager,spending time with friends,making new enemies and haven't change one bit.I just sat for my 2nd monthly exam and am very disappointed with my grades especially my bio and sj.But theres nothing I can do about it.Whats done is done and unfortunately I have to face the consequences.What I do later on doesn't matter anymore.It cant change my grades.No,it cant but it certainly can change the grades for the next exam that is coming up..=).. yea yea.screw this optimistic crap..but yet nothing matters anymore.Ive failed and I know it.Everyone knows it.No where to hide,no where to run.Just have to suck it up and live with it.

Well,this Tuesday morning,woke up at 6.00am,cleaned up and prepared for school as usual.Nothing great,just another routine in every teen's life eh..Sad as usual tat morning,did my crappy prefects duty moodily and just stood at the garage looking at the students assemble at that chilly morning.zzz..my school's prefects system is stupid like hell..rountine C it is said..and all I have to do is just stand and take care of the teacher's cars like some freaking servant.OK, screw the prefects,dont give a damn bout it.After assembly,entered the class and sat next to my deskmate,with no reason I find it uncomfortable to talk to him..=(..and even worst,he read about me talking bad about him on my blog.Crap,that gotta hurt.I'm hurt too cause I'm the one who made the mistake in posting my anger in my blog.I'm deeply sorry.When he told me,I was embarassed and speechless.Nothing to say at all.But deep down,I know how he feels and I dont blame him for hating me.Everything I do is my fault.Every single thing I try to help or do will turn out disastrous and it is all my fault.All me.Everything me.Do you know how difficult for me to fit in?No,you dont.Do you know how much I want to go back in time and just change my life? Do you know how much I hate myself?..No,no,no no one knows.Even if you hate me now,it doesnt matter cause I already hate myself and that wouldnt affect me one bit.

I just want to go back.Go back in being a baby.Grow normally,live normally,not like what Im doing now.Pathetic!.As I sat in class that very morning and looked around at each and every of my classmates,I thought wow,they can run real fast,they are real atheletes.They can sing so sweetly.They can play the guitar,the drums so well.They have a relationship that they can indulge themselves into.They have a band.They can talk so well and make funny jokes.They play football together like best pals.They know about cars,handphones,bikes.Then,finally I look at myself,what am I?.Im just a failure,a broken toy,a quitter among them.Back to the old days,I was a pianist,I was a swimmer,I was a tennis player,I was an artist..but what am I today. Nothing at all,just a hollow shell filled with pain and misery.What have I turn to?..I no longer care like when Im back in the old times.Im filled with hate,jealousy,anger.I cheat to win and I lie and lie to get what I want.What have I become?.Why is this happening to me?..Nothing matters anymore as what I touch now in the end just turns into sheer dust.

Pain?

Most people resort to pain when they are undergoing stress,depressed or is unhappy about something..they tend to inflict pain on themselves just to feel glad,relieved and good..will it work?? I don't know..how would I?..Maybe I could give it a try...As I sat in tuition class today(Hamdan), I held a blade in my hand,flickering it around..wondering how does it feel to see blood oozing out of the cut made on my hand...how does it feel to experience pain...I took the pen I was writing with and pressed it forcely into my skin..it felt great and painful eventhough its just a pen......if a pen can be that great a feeling,how does a blade feel like then?..I wonder..If your heart feels so heavyhow do we let it out...shout at the top of the mountains,murder someone,sex,suicide,pain...what and how?..I don't know what is hardship,I don't understand love,I don't understand how friendship works..so how can I judge...why must I feel so heavy hearted when I don't understand anything at all..am I retarded and crazy?..or am I just thinking too much like a girl?..

A moody morning...

Woke up at 6.00am..still on the bed laying down..staring at the ceiling thinking...just thinking about how schools gona be...how can I get through another day without humiliating myself or getting in anyone's nerves....It was raining heavily outside and this was indeed a good sight...raining means no assembly,meaning no duty...YES!!..I was so glad that I went back to sleep and cuddle under my blanket..zzz...6.15am my mum woke me up ask to go and wash up...walked up lazily..went to drink a glass of milo then to the toilet where I showered about 15 minutes...the water was so warm and nice...I stayed under the running water the whole time..as I stood relaxing..I thought about my dream I had..bout my friends most of the time,bout the humiliating defeat in debate,bout how people say I act like a faggot..at6.30am came out of the bathroom..not wanting to look at my naked self as I feel disgusted and sick already although exercise so much but seems to have no effect... disappointed..quickly changed into my clothes said a morning prayer and then waited for ivan to come...off the school..Fortunately,it was still raining when we reached school,so assembly would certianly be cancelled for sure...walked straight to class..puvilan,kenny all was sleeping...went to the next class for awhile and chat with ivan and mogana bout stupid prefect,riot,teachers and crap...ntgh muchla damn boring..went back to my own class puvilan,kenny,leong ask why so moodyla,what happened,..kenny as usual look at his faggot face..I buat tak tahu..straight sit and said nothing....I thought how can puvilan be so perfect and I cant...he has a gf,his good in sports,he knows bout cars,football and stuff which I don't know at all,he's goodlooking,humble,kind,smart...how can someone be so perfect?.. how come I cant be like him...I was disappointed and sad..so the entire time I kept quiet..if I talk also people dont get me and sometimes I often offend them..so better remain silent and not talk..better to just enclosed everything within yourself then let people criticise or get offended.. I know there's something wrong with me but I still havent found a perfect person who can help and fix me yet...Im frustrated,confused and angry..not only about this..as Im writting this my father is busy shouting and complaining in the background..Im furious..always come back shout,shout,shout,complain this and that,scold,scold,scold...I just cant take it any longer..someone save me..Help..Pls help

My Friend's Wedding(Yet to be)

Well,all husband-wife relationship ofter starts with a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship...I have some friends who are already a couple as puvilan&stephanie,andrea&jerome,dahrick&some1 unknown,vivian &weisoon and more..but the best couple Ive ever seen so far is puvilan&stephanie of course^^..Let me tell you abit about them..in a relationship,most people often brag about it,telling the whole world I have a girlfriend or boyfriend,I LOVE U on the internet..on the streets and crap alot about Im no longer lonely and shit..but puvilan&stephanie is totally different..they are serious in what they are doing,they understand and aware not to go over the limit and most importantly they still treat their friends with care and likeness...although they maybe a charming couple,they do not showoff and brag about it..and that is what I really like about them..how handsome or beautiful you can be,it doesn't really matter as long as you have people around you to care and love..Im really proud and blessed to have them as my friends seriously because although in a relationship,they still take the effort to care and ask about what my problems are..and I really appreaciate it..I would like to say thank you but I cant seem to get the words out..well this is the best time then..THANK YOU!!..hmmm..now about the wedding..well Im really sure it will work out though..even from different race their parents hopefully would understand..hehe..lets see who'll be the bestman..the candidates are Kenny,long time friend with both Puvilan and Stephanie who lives opposite her house and the next candidate is..errr..unknown and unknown..meaning kenny is the bestman or the bride's maid..his wishla.>< honestly sometimes I really dont get him..he laughs out of the blues then serious then emo then keep calling me faggot,faggot,faggot...hmm..sometimes I really just hate him and it really hurts if someone keep calling you a freaking faggot a whole day..nevertheless,I think I understand enough to forgive him...he is reallly a good,loyal and caring friend although he often curses..what Im trying to say is it is fun being around him and he might not be fun or enjoyable around me because I dont talk much..maybe everyone would find me boring..too badla for me..this is life and its hard to change the way I am after 16 years living like this..I hope the best for my friends and whoever Ive not mentioned..itll be on my next blog...Nitez^^

What I would do if I got 10 wishes

1. Be hot
2. Have a loving family
3. Possess all the wealth in the world
4. Have a girlfriend
5. Be normal
6. Be sociable
7. Demolish all backstabbers and parasites
8. Remain young forever
9. Great times with my buddies
10. And lastly,I wish everyone would be happy including myself
    

My Father

Well,another argument just broke out and finally its over I hope..My father and I were never on the same page and Im sick and tired of this...when I was in primary my father told me 'I hate you..you are not like my second son'..how does this feel?..It hurts of course your own father saying this kind of words.From that day onwards,I never liked him..maybe sometimes I feel oh,he's still my father,I must try to love and respect him..but I cant seem to forget what he already apologised for..'The word hate' is still deep in my brain till now and I cant seem to ever forget it no matter how good he treats me...He's my father..my father....but why don't I love him?..Why do I hate him so much?..even how hard I try to at least talk to him..I certainly cant..If I do,most of the times an argument is all I get..I love it when he's is not in the house,I like it when he's not eating lunch,breakfast,dinner with me..I love it when he's not in my life at all...Most of the time,when he's in bad mood or anything,the 1st person he will vent out his anger is either me or my mother..but its most of the time my mother...And I cant stand just to watch my father shouting at her for nothing wrong she has done..and most of the time I side my Mum..cause I cant stand to watch her get hurt.
I hate it when he talk about religion..today my mum when to a food fair organised by a church and she bought food back for luncj..and my father said Im not eating because its from the church..wtf does that mean..If you dont want to eat just dont eat it..why need to talk about the church..ridiculuous.zzz

Being Top

Being top maybe a great thing for one but it can be suffering and boring at the same time..Well,Im top in my school academically..I like the times where I get known by teachers and friends,praised,exemplified,given extra attention^^..these all seems what everyone dreamt of maybe not everyone(only attention seekers or people who like being in the limelight)..but well it isnt a bed of roses..Why?..This is because people tend to expect more and more for you and it takes great effort,time and commitment in order to satisfy everyone...this is stressing as to stay in top form tends to pressurize me..it makes me wonder what if I fail to perform..I not only disappoint myself and most importantly my parents but people would not think highly of me anymore..Truthfully I cant face failure...failure kills me and my reputation..Once top it must continue that is my philosophy..sometimes I feel so tired,lazy just want to forget about the complicated and sophisticated equations,words,history,chemicals...but at the same time I want to be the best and always the best...lets not talk about academic..In whatever I do,I must do and be the best as in debate,robotics,quizes and more..Being 1st in the form,I nust equip myself with plenty of knowledge because as Ive said people expect you/me to answer everything..That is ridiculous though...being 1st doesnt mean or prove Im increadibly smart like Albert Einstein or some other freaking genius....Im actually dumb but people think Im smart...you ask me wheres Bigapple or whatever street in malaysia..I wouldnt even know where the hell it is..I love attention but not in the sense that getting attention for nothing,getting attention for being 1st but yet inside is hollow,it doesnt bring any satisfaction whatsoever..its just a fake/pretend.. Im working on being as intelligent as possible but it takes more than jus talking and writting in this blog..it takes determination,diligence,willingness and not only brag and brag acting like a hypocrite but doesnt do anything...(sounds like me)..swt..

Who am I?

The question we all ask ourselves is quite common I believe..why am I not better than he is?.Why cant I be like him?.Why must I be like this?...when I look at myself in the mirror, I often feel imperfect,ugly and weak...Ill start comparing to my friends..Look at me what am I,who am I?. Well what we dont realise is we tend to look more to our weaknesses than to our strength and this causes us to lose our sight of life...to lose ourselves,to pretend to be somebody we never was.. I was and I am still cheating myself and I know how it feels..to pretend to be somebody you never knew,to hide yourself in your own body is just to suffering....what we all want is to be famed,popular and wanted...to be accepted,I often do the things that are wrong..although I know that it isnt right,I would still do it to impress my fellow peers..If i don't then Ill never be wanted,Ill be unknown like a tiny organism nobody knows exist...What Im doing is actually a bad example so I hope people would not follow the way I live..What Im trying to say is to be true to yourself is the best thing you can ever have,dont care what people thinks of you or what you think of yourself..just think what GOD really wants of you..pray,listen,confess and let HIM lead the way of our lives..the choice we make or what other people make for us is not always right or maybe not at all...so its time to believe that GOD really exist and he is up there watching over us..waiting patiently for us to listen and speak..Dont pretend,be true although it maybe not be what you wish..pretending and changing the way we are would be regrettable in future..maybe you dont see it now,tomorrow or the years to come but believe me its certainly true that youll regret.......losing the person you loved is what hurts the most